Just when I think I am over all the emotional blackmail and baggage there comes another zinger to fling me right back into that quicksand of sadness and bad memories. And the worst part is it only takes a gentle trigger sometimes, Mi. How I wish you were here to help me vent it out of my system!
It all began with an innocuous phone call. I started spiraling into the past, recalling all that sh*t we’ve gone through and I furiously wondered how people could have forgotten everything we’d done for them and act as if we didn’t exist.
Remember that time when C came to stay with us for a couple of months for that surgery? I was the one who made those nighties for her to wear, and even helped her with the suppositories. Sometimes I wonder if being so compassionate and kind really works.
Sure, I want to think that we all come from different places and you always taught me that regardless of how others were, we must do what feels right for us. It doesn’t matter whether people remember or not. Nevertheless, it hurts whether we like it or not when the same people who conveniently used us for everything we were capable of now completely ignore us.
And then, again, conveniently, these same people get in touch when they need something. The rest of the time, radio silence for us while they are busy gossiping with others about imagined nonsense.
Even during the last event I attended, I found myself cringing as I overheard a lot of mean conversations. They had nothing to do with me and yet I felt mildly upset that people can be so vitriolic. Why do they feel so happy to talk nonsense about family while thinking a hundred times to say something nice about someone? Why are people so hardwired to be nasty?
I was thinking of all the times we were treated like servants. Especially hilarious to hear people praising those very people for things we never experienced. The biggest example of the give and take policy – you give I take.
Really, my mind is in a sad place when I think of the people who claim to be fond of us and yet, have no compunction in gossiping about us and treating us like pariahs. The things they scolded us for, they find it absolutely acceptable from others and in fact, laud them for it. How does that even work?
Not unsurprising that I am quite okay with having nothing to do with them. They never truly respected you and now they totally ignore me. How easy it is for people to pretend about so many things. What is odd is, this treatment seems to be especially reserved for us. Talk about partiality! Some of them complain about the keeping in touch part but we can never ever accuse them of not doing what they accuse us of not doing! What justice is that?
I can’t help thinking of how I used to be scolded for so many things – things that were innocent – and now, they seem to have no problem with that and in fact, even smile indulgently. I am wondering what happened. I am also recalling the lies . . . and these same people have the guts to face us and say they missed us and think about us so much.
Yep, so cynical, Mi. What to do? My sense of fairness has taken such a beating with these people. Fortunately, I still have the good sense to step away and carry on with life and do things that make me happy. It is high time I stayed away from what does not add any value to my life. Even if it does not add value, I should at least not allow it to make me unhappy and sad, no? Tell that to my mind, my thoughts and my memories.
Sigh. Time to make lunch.