Mi, we celebrated your birthday with payasam and memories, reminiscing about when you were with us. Because that’s all we’ve got left – memories. I never ever visualized a time you would not be around, you know? Considering that I enjoyed doing the what if scenarios – I am amazed that I never thought about “when mi is not around”.
And fate, who we know always has the last laugh, dealt me a solid thwack on my soul by whisking you away when we least expected it. In fact, not just that – we did not expect it at all. We thought you were recovering well after that long bed-rest. The physiotherapist thought you were doing well. Everything looked bright in the new year that was 2010. And yet, in the traditional ‘anything is possible’ way, you were gone. We had no time to prepare even during that uncertain week when you were hooked to life-support.
I don’t think I will ever get over it, although I have now learned to lock the sorrow inside me, to indulge in being miserable whenever I feel like. Obviously you are aware that I enjoy whining to you because you were such an expert at humoring me before doing the iron hand in velvet glover routine to draw me out of that state. Some days I feel so dejected even though I pull myself out of it quickly enough. Thanks to you, I have my little emotional armory full of tricks to get over any toxic states of mind. I don’t allow it to go beyond a healthy level, because even I am allowed to wallow in misery, right?
Also, I realize I need to be strong for many upcoming things. For the moment, however, we are trying to be sane, what with the pandemic still blanketing us with a scary spike in cases.
I talk to you in my head all the time, especially now since I spend a lot of time in the kitchen to keep up with my diet. And isn’t it totally ironic that I choose to write here on the very day I cut my thumb and thought I was bleeding to death? Got quite a scare yesterday when it wouldn’t stop. Deep-ish. But I know this too shall pass.
Funniest thing is I no longer start my day with coffee. I find it so hilarious and well, I adjust the halo around my head every morning at this great sacrifice. I do have half a cup much later after breakfast and some days, yet another quarter cup if I feel like. That’s it. I have also stopped curd although I have the occasional buttermilk. The idea is to wean away from dairy products. Never thought I would get anywhere near accomplishing this. But the good news is my blood sugar levels are much better over the past month and I am working towards a sustainable diet that is both easy and diabetes-friendly to maintain the happy trend.
See? Silver linings.
Okay the thumb has begun to throb now. To be continued. Happy birthday ♥