Presence

Absence is one thing, Mi. Presence is even more powerful, isn’t it? No matter what, we can’t bring back your physical presence. And yet, I was pretty sure of your soothing presence when…

• we were wishing Vidur well for his exams
• when his results were announced and we rejoiced
• when his school principal informed us his name was in the newspaper as a topper
• when we visited school and every person we met waxed on poetic about what a wonderful student Vidur is
• when we freaked out  over the distance and transportation to a faraway college. Talk about logistics coming in the way of a wonderful thing
• when we were welcomed into a closer college with open arms for the very combination of subjects he wanted
• when we walk on the terrace reminiscing about old times
• when I sit and struggle to concentrate on my to-do list and try to motivate myself to carry on
• when I decide to have a cup of coffee, see only half a glass of milk, convince myself it is enough to have a half glass of coffee, and spill part of it when I pour it out
• when the coffee filter bubbles at me in the morning as if trying to say something, and I always hear only positive things
• when I see a red kurta the exact shade you love and wish I could buy it and see you wear it
• when I dream…and when I wake up
• when I am about to check my blood sugar and feel a bit nervous
• when I wallow in a sad memory and try to find the silver linings
• when I smile remembering a random joke, thinking about the laughter we shared
• when I have a wonderful experience
• when I lay awake at night, going over the next day’s to-do list and priorities
• when I knead the dough for the rotis and recall our conversations
• when I chop the green cucumber you loved so much, every day
• when I pick vegetables in the market and see your favorite brinjal
• when I look at myself in the mirror and see traces of you
• when I pack Vidur’s box while we argue what he’s going to wear to college today
• when the doorbell rings and I am delighted to see him back home earlier than expected
• when the courier arrives with books we’ve ordered for Vidur
• when Tanu calls and we talk for hours
• when I see the evening sky changing its colors as the birds fly across
• when I feel a little terrified at the thought of...I can’t even say it now.

Sometimes, I am not sure how strong I am, Mi.

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