Blues

Blues

So, I have this heavy feeling inside me and it is not from the few kilos I am trying to shed, Mi. It’s deeper than that. The feeling of wanting to cry. Some days, even though I am busy doing all that I have to do there’s the underlying sadness.

I am not sure if it is because I feel a little isolated but that’s natural and hasn’t bothered me before. I just do not have the time to spare to hang around with people in the name of connecting, especially when there’s no continuity in that—no real bonding. Almost everyone’s an acquaintance when it comes to online stuff, you know.

As much as the internet has shrunk the world, supposedly making it easier to communicate and connect, the truth is that it has also made people busier with no time to invest in relationships. Or so it seems to me. After all, I can only speak for myself.

And so, I gratefully hold on to the ones I have.

Yet, every other day I will read something that triggers the sadness. Something even as simple as words someone wrote that hurt a bit. Yes, I feel suitably sheepish. But isn’t that what happens when we have a bit of history with them?

I remember out of nowhere, how, when I was 6 years old, I would sit and stare at that child’s photo in the Reader’s Digest and cry for hours. Gopu mama threw the book into the attic when you realized what I was doing. And then I’d stand and stare at the attic and cry, thinking of the photo.

I deal with the blues by becoming physically active because it does help get rid of the mental cobwebs to a great extent. And of course, there’s always reading. But then, we cannot always run away from things–they just hang around waiting to bite us in the ass. Ah well. If I had one paisa for every time I said “This too shall pass” I would be ruling the world. And if I had a paisa for every time others gave me stale unsolicited advice, I’d be super-rich.

I also pep myself up by remembering how you always tried to convince me that I had the ability to detach myself from things that dragged me down and stay focused on my priorities. I dunno, is it because I am older that I am a little emotionally weaker?

Can’t help smiling when I think of how Paati would smile serenely each time I whined to her about someone, saying, “We come alone, we go alone” So, loneliness shouldn’t be all that tough to get used to. Sounded weird at the time. But maybe it makes sense.

This quote by Danielle Koepke seems just perfect for the way I am feeling right now.

“If I’ve learned anything from life, it’s that sometimes,
the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places.
I’ve learned that the most toxic people can teach us the most important lessons;
that our most painful struggles can grant us the most necessary growth;
and that the most heartbreaking losses of friendship and love
can make room for the most wonderful people.
I’ve learned that what seems like a curse in the moment
can actually be a blessing,
and that what seems like the end of the road
is actually just the discovery that we are meant to travel down a different path.
I’ve learned that no matter how difficult things seem, there is always hope.
And I’ve learned that no matter how powerless we feel or how horrible things seem,
we can’t give up. We have to keep going.
Even when it’s scary, even when all of our strength seems gone,
we have to keep picking ourselves back up and moving forward,
because whatever we’re battling in the moment,
it will pass, and we will make it through.
We’ve made it this far.
We can make it through whatever comes next.”

Yes, I’ll bounce back as always, but for now…off to sulk into my demitasse of coffee.

And listen to this timeless classic by George Michael in his brilliant voice. Imagine creating something like this at 24!



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