If onlys

If onlys

So the cold that knocked on the fortress door–fortress being me–decided to stay. The usual nonsense followed: rapidly worsening throat, cold, blocked nose, runny nose, constant headache, restlessness. You of all people know me when I am sick, Mi. I know what a pain I used to be. Just as well I didn’t fall sick often. This time I suspect it was the frozen kulfi I ate last week. Even by my standards it was icy frozen. Something had to give. And then the weird rains. All in all, they conspired to slow me down.

Point is, I want to say I understand. Those days when you were not well, you would be like a busy beaver between fevers and go lay down when exhaustion struck. I would laugh at you and scold you, saying that you should just rest, get better and get back to the routine.

You know what? I do exactly what you did. When I feel the restless energy, I go crazy trying to finish housework, much to the annoyance of those present. And then, I just flop down on the sofa and sleep it off. So predictable, no?

True what you said that when you are no longer around, I will appreciate and realize a lot of things–things you said and did. But Mi, I appreciated you even when you were around. Very much. I guess that’s why the pain of loss is so intense. Because I’ll never get over how unexpectedly–and unfairly according to me–you passed away.

I feel cheated out of your old age, you know. I imagined us sitting in our balcony, aging gracefully together, enjoying our early morning coffee, looking fondly at our plants while whispering gossip. Why whisper? Because while the fluttering clothes would gently fan the fires, fueling us on, the birds and the breeze would hear and carry it onward, wouldn’t they? Then we would plan the day, argue over the menu, fantasize over some crazy project we were up to, be hugged by Vidur–or probably miss him like crazy when he’s away, enjoy movies together with Sury…reminisce about the past, delight in the present and future….and so on.

Perhaps we would shop online together and wait like children to receive and open our parcels…and maybe even take a selfie or two?

Feel guilty over ordering food occasionally…

I feel denied all that and more.

If only. Sigh. Sure, life goes on and we plod on the best way we can…but it is okay to wish, right? To whom can I whine, if not to you?

Sipping my lonely cup of coffee….