Can you believe I see the obit column, titled “Tribute” in the newspaper and shed tears every day? They come unbidden. It is not like I want to cry, Mi, although these days my tears are always at the ready to pour at the slightest trigger – be it sadness or joy.
I remember, a few weeks ago, it was all women, none of whom had passed away recently, and all the mentions were tributes saying they were missed and some even had a couple of lines poetry. So sweet. I sent out a silent prayer to their families, because, eh, what else could I do anyway!
So after a quick cursory glance at the newspaper, I decided I’d better get on with the day. I slept late yesterday and felt quite guilty, but I didn’t want the work to spill over to today. Somehow that always skews the plan I make, obviously because it gobbles up time set aside for other things. I have to get back into the habit of waking up 5 am. Unfortunately, my resolution of sleeping early dissolved probably even before I made it . . . so I invariably end up sleeping around midnight. Then waking up at 5 is out of the question. Of course I am up by 6 and always promise myself I’ll take a nap in the afternoon . . . another thing that’s so not happening.
Didn’t have to make lunch as I had cleverly organized my cooking in such a way that I had everything ready to just heat and eat, carefully packed in the fridge, ha ha, in the right containers no less.
So after quickly checking email and rewarding myself with a cup of coffee, I decided I would work in the kitchen. I had to work off my residual sadness somehow, no?
I felt like a bit of an idiot as I sat with my coffee under the fan, thinking back, and fuming over some incidents. I am not at all sure what set them off. Could have been the glimpse of Sun TV when the TV guy came to check the set. One scene and it segued into a series of memories. Regret is the worst thing in life, Mi. And the stupidest thing to feel. I know this, yet I can’t help it. I often wish we had reacted differently to some situations. I wish we had responded differently to some people. It is so disturbing to go on that train of thought. Yeah, some day I’ll cancel that train, but until then, I guess I’ll just … purge and treat it as therapy. Unresolved issues are always like that. We just have to reach that stage when we’re no longer intensely affected by them. Takes a while, though. Longer than we expect.
I just shook myself up, determined not to allow anything to mess with my mind or the enjoyment of my coffee. I updated my to-do list and got started in the kitchen. I am on a “dispose” spree. I read this question somewhere while reading an article:
What if you were to die tomorrow?
That scared the sh*t out of me, and I shuddered as I looked around the house. Time to get really serious this time and clear the clutter. Problem is, everything is comfortably settled in its place, you know. If we haven’t used something for a while and have forgotten it, we get excited when we see it again, and then letting go of it becomes really hard.
But I’ll get there, you’ll see. Because that question is stuck in my head now.
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I go through this phase every once in a while where I make myself sick with thoughts of why didn’t I respond differently to certain situations and people from the past. I am very well aware that thinking and beating myself up is of no good. But.. You are right Vidya, those things which lay forgotten for a while, when we find them it is hard to part with them, much like those haunting memories!